Beauty, Blog, Cancer, Colorado, Family, Grandchildren, Home, House, Nature, Nature Photography, Outside, Parks and Open Spaces, Texas, Work

Am I Ready for this?

My house went on the market 6 days ago.  There have been 8 showings. So, the past two days a couple has been here to look at my home twice, and I think they are going to make an offer.  I’m waiting now to see if they will.  And I am so sad and afraid and excited and scared.  I’ve been thinking that maybe this is all a bad dream.  I don’t want to leave my family so far behind. I’m afraid that my grandson will not feel the same way about me when I’m so far away.  Will he come to see me?  Or will I be able to get back here to spend time with him?   And will my son care that I’m gone?

I was a single parent from the time my son was 2. His dad was an alcoholic, and there were times as long as 12 years when he was growing that he didn’t even see him.  It was just my son and me.  The early years after the divorce were a struggle.  Sometimes we only had bread, milk and cereal to eat. I worked hard and I had lots of angels that looked after me and gave me opportunities to learn and do things I didn’t think possible.  Over the years, I gained confidence, and that confidence helped me to provide a good home and the things for my son that all kids want.  I was determined that my son would not be a “child from a broken home.”  We had a whole home.

But, as the old saying goes, “A daughter is yours for all of your life, but a son is yours until he takes a wife.” I never thought that would be true. But it is, unfortunately. We could always talk about anything, even things that were uncomfortable. The time I spend now with my son and grandson alone is wonderful.  We talk about things like we used to, and it feels like old times.  When my daughter-in-law is with us, things are so different.  She often whispers things to my son, and I feel like she’s talking about me, or she just doesn’t want to include me in their conversations.  I guess that’s a bit of paranoia. And I’m not usually that way.

It’s just that for the past couple of years I have felt like she is jealous.  I know that sounds silly.  But, my grandson always talks about coming to live with me. At one time, my daughter-in-law told me that he said he wished I was his mom.  He talks about coming to live with me when he’s old enough so he can take care of me. I wrote about our conversations in a previous post – My Grandson – He’s Amazing! He recently told me again that he will come to live with me when he is old enough. I asked him what he would do if I died before he was old enough.  He told me he will keep the box (my cremation box). But these conversations don’t go over very will with my daughter-in-law.  I love her, I honestly do.  And we used to be very close.  But I don’t know what has happened. I have thought and thought about what I might have done, but I sure can’t think of anything…  And my sons says I’m crazy, and that she loves me.  But I don’t feel it.

Anyway, I guess that’s way off topic.  Maybe not really, this all goes into where I am right now.  I feel like if I am not here, I will lose my family…  Irrational?  Probably.  But I’m  scared like I have never been before.

I haven’t been able to even start trying to get organized to be ready to move.  I feel alone, and I’m a total disaster right now.

If these people buy my house, I will move back to Texas to my home that was my all-time favorite home. When I think about it, I know it will be a great thing for me. I will be able to get outside almost all of the year.  And outside is where I need to be.  I am alive when I am outside with nature–birds, flowers, trees, lakes, rivers and streams.  They all make me feel whole. They make me forget all of the things that cancer and treatment took away from me.  They make me forget that I can’t work, and work used to be what defined me–that and being a good parent.  I was good at what I did, and I was appreciated for it. Now, I don’t have anything to feel good about myself.

I know…I am not making much sense right now. Somehow I will get through this, I think.

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